Friday, January 9, 2009

Sticking to the script

So I heard from another old friend. New Year's is a time for that, I guess. We haven't spoken in a year or more, but we used to be quite close. We had a long lovely chat, catching up.

I always find myself in this internal debate these days, who to tell and who not to tell. It keeps coming down to the same thing - as long as I don't have to have surgery, nobody else has to know. So far no surgery is scheduled. But my 3-month MRI is coming up fast - Jan. 19th - and then neurosurgeon number 2 will tell me if I can keep going just like this, half-blind but otherwise unimpaired, or if I'll have to have my head cut open. It's such a huge, looming Date With Destiny in my mind, and it gets bigger and more looming the closer it gets. So all the time I was chatting with my old friend, there's this upcoming date in my mind, looming. I kept going back and forth, should I tell him or shouldn't I?

We used to be very close. We were catching up and talking about things close to each of us. It started to feel stranger not to tell him than to tell him. So I told him. "Oh wow, that's awful" he said. "I knew a girl who died of a brain tumor" he said.

Oh. Now that's a response I haven't heard before. "Oh, gee, I'm sorry" I told him. Um, so, well thanks for those words of encouragement, I guess. "But it's benign, right?" he asked. "Yeah, it's benign, THANK GOD" I remembered to say this time.

So, good for me. I stuck to the script.

But I am kinda sorry I told him.

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