Fear? No fear? Fear? No fear?

So when I'm feeling fine (and complacent?) am I being brave or head-in-the-sand? Am I "ill"? I have a golfball-sized benign brain tumor wrapped around my right optic nerve and right internal carotid artery. If I doubt that, all I have to do is close my right eye. Yup, there it is. Sometimes bigger, sometimes smaller, blank fuzzy gray blind spot. That's my "benign" brain tumor, choking off my right optic nerve. But other than that I feel fine!!! Denial takes hold. Friends and relatives worry and ask me "How do you feel?" I feel FINE. Fine, I tell you! Just fine!

It's so weird. Here I am with this big scary diagnosis. But I feel fine. Really. I do. I feel fine!

Not telling

I got a joke email from someone I barely know that had a stupid reference to brain tumors in it. I refrained from emailing her back. Yay me!

Vision

Got my new bifocals Friday. Whoo-ee! I can see again! Indeed, everything is so supernaturally sharp and clear, it almost doesn't look real.

I am enjoying the heck out of my new surreal vision!!!

Telling

My sister told my 20-something neices, even though I didn't want her to. I am fine so far. They have so much on their plates, both of them. They don't need to be worrying about me, especially since I am just going about my life for now. I tried my best to reassure both of them. I hope they are reassured.

Still scared

I think to myself that I am blase. I think to myself that I am almost-comfortable with terms like "brain tumor", and "neurosurgery".

But then I think again about all the big unknowns and decisions postponed but still waiting, lurking in the future. And my breath catches in my throat and my heart starts pounding and I am still scared, just scared.

Weirdness

What does it mean to have an almost asymptomatic benign brain tumor if you don't have surgery?

Well, to me right now it means constantly going in and out of denial. I don't have to clean my apartment right down to the bottom of my sock drawer just yet - I don't have to draw up a will just yet - I don't have to arrange cat care just yet - because it's (less than) three months away and maybe it's not growing at all - probably it's not growing at all - I won't need surgery - how could I need surgery? I've never had surgery in my life. I can't imagine having surgery. I won't imagine it. I'm not gonna need it. I refuse to need it. I feel fine. No headaches, no dizziness, no seizures.

Then I go stand in front of the mirror and close my left eye. The rest of me is still there, but my face is a dim pink blob disappearing into a foggy gray cloud.

That's on a good day.

On a bad day, I have no head.

Oh. Right. Brain tumor.

I think I'm getting a headache.

Getting paranoid

I woke up with a terrible pain in my left hip, like I'd pulled a muscle or something. I thought maybe I slept on it funny. I did some stretches, but it didn't help. I called in sick ("stomach upset - I'll be in as soon as it clears up" I lied) and went back to bed, sleeping carefully flat on my back to give this hip thing, whatever it is, a chance to straighten itself out. I woke up two hours later with it aching worse than before.

Oh no, they said it was benign but maybe not and oh no it's metastized already, it's bone cancer, it's everywhere, I'm gonna die.

I thought I was scared of every ache and pain those ten years that I spent with no health insurance. That was nothing compared to how scared I am now.

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The pain went away a few days later.