Weirdness

What does it mean to have an almost asymptomatic benign brain tumor if you don't have surgery?

Well, to me right now it means constantly going in and out of denial. I don't have to clean my apartment right down to the bottom of my sock drawer just yet - I don't have to draw up a will just yet - I don't have to arrange cat care just yet - because it's (less than) three months away and maybe it's not growing at all - probably it's not growing at all - I won't need surgery - how could I need surgery? I've never had surgery in my life. I can't imagine having surgery. I won't imagine it. I'm not gonna need it. I refuse to need it. I feel fine. No headaches, no dizziness, no seizures.

Then I go stand in front of the mirror and close my left eye. The rest of me is still there, but my face is a dim pink blob disappearing into a foggy gray cloud.

That's on a good day.

On a bad day, I have no head.

Oh. Right. Brain tumor.

I think I'm getting a headache.

Fears

Afraid of ...

~ insufficient insurance coverage
~ losing my driver's license
~ losing my job
~ losing my health insurance
~ going blind
~ becoming disabled
~ losing my mind
~ dying before my pets and leaving them homeless
~ dying before my parents and causing them grief
~ not being able to keep this a secret

Also afraid of:

~ pain
~ suffering
~ inconveniance
~ Republicans
~ economic chaos
~ environmental disaster
~ climate change
~ mass extinction

Hm, yeah, think that about sums it up.