Fear? No fear? Fear? No fear?

So when I'm feeling fine (and complacent?) am I being brave or head-in-the-sand? Am I "ill"? I have a golfball-sized benign brain tumor wrapped around my right optic nerve and right internal carotid artery. If I doubt that, all I have to do is close my right eye. Yup, there it is. Sometimes bigger, sometimes smaller, blank fuzzy gray blind spot. That's my "benign" brain tumor, choking off my right optic nerve. But other than that I feel fine!!! Denial takes hold. Friends and relatives worry and ask me "How do you feel?" I feel FINE. Fine, I tell you! Just fine!

It's so weird. Here I am with this big scary diagnosis. But I feel fine. Really. I do. I feel fine!

Not telling

I got a joke email from someone I barely know that had a stupid reference to brain tumors in it. I refrained from emailing her back. Yay me!

Vision

Got my new bifocals Friday. Whoo-ee! I can see again! Indeed, everything is so supernaturally sharp and clear, it almost doesn't look real.

I am enjoying the heck out of my new surreal vision!!!

Telling

My sister told my 20-something neices, even though I didn't want her to. I am fine so far. They have so much on their plates, both of them. They don't need to be worrying about me, especially since I am just going about my life for now. I tried my best to reassure both of them. I hope they are reassured.

Still scared

I think to myself that I am blase. I think to myself that I am almost-comfortable with terms like "brain tumor", and "neurosurgery".

But then I think again about all the big unknowns and decisions postponed but still waiting, lurking in the future. And my breath catches in my throat and my heart starts pounding and I am still scared, just scared.